New Article of Faith

The truth of the matter is, I started this blog on a whim.

I originally wrote my first post about some of my mixed feelings about church on my personal blog. I then, almost immediately, took it down again. It didn't take me long to realize that posting that sort of commentary on that space probably wasn't a good idea for several reasons. Not only did I not want my still active LDS friends and family to feel the need to comment, I felt like I had put them into an uncomfortable spot. A lot of people that are close to me are also still very sensitive to the fact that I no longer believe and they take anything I write personally.

The thing is, although I absolutely believe in the importance of me speaking openly and honestly about my own life, I've never been one of those that wants to hurt others in the process if at all possible. I am convinced that there can be space for their beliefs and mine.

Just as I hope they will not post Mormonads on my facebook page, (or overload my facebook feed with how much THEY JUST LOVE CONFERENCE TIME. SCONES!!), I understand that they, for their part, don't want my feed to be filled with articles about all of the crazy that is the Book of Abraham. We need to have some margin between us to be able to preserve the good feelings in those relationships.

I think about those sorts of boundaries a lot since I've left. I think about how to help myself navigate family conversations about religion with people who are still trying to convince me of the error of my ways, while I just want to be with them. I think about how much to tell them when they say they want to know all of my doubts. I spend a lot of time trying to make a new path through this murky experience. Because the fact is, that although there do seem to be a lot of folks that are ex-mormon, or post-mormon, or not-sure-what-kind-of mormon-they-are, most of the articles and facebook groups that I've found for people like me house a lot of fairly outspoken and vitriolic opinions. And the truth is, that's not me.

There are still some lessons that I treasure from my time as a member of that Church. There are still a lot of people that I love and admire that are members. There are some things I miss. Somedays, I even still wish it could be true. I don't see many people talking up about that, I think because sometimes the other more, the only thing I can think to call them, anti-mormons? (that is not a judgement, just an observation) will immediately come on and say why those feelings are ridiculous because Mormon Corp. is an evil empire with no redeemable qualities. There is absolutely a place for those feelings--but again, I'm not there.

Case in point, when I was first working through things, one thing that used to make me feel a bit nostalgic was my experience at BYU. Even among active members, BYU can be a bit...how do you say... controversial. But I went to BYU, was a sweet old molly mormon who had a great time. I didn't worry about my safety; I enjoyed the almost-definitely nerdy innocence of the fun we had. I'd call it wholesome. I think wholesome has a lot going for it, and I do think that it is getting harder and harder to find people who value a good time without alcohol. In a way, I was sad that my kids would now never experience that. It wasn't perhaps a very realistic way to experience college compared to most people, but it fit my easy-going and at times timid personality.

Anyway, the point is, at one point I actually got the courage (or it was probably that sweet old innocence again ha) to write about this bittersweet realization that my kids would never get to experience that in the future. At first, there were a lot of confused, almost mocking comments. Oh, I thought...I forgot that it's not okay to say you miss anything about the church on this forum. But then, luckily, many other people piped up and said they felt the same way. I had been inadvertently/ignorantly brave in a sense on that page, and realized that there were others that often felt cowed in that same space.

I guess what I realized was that among the believers and the non-believers, there is still a segment of us that are simply...there, in the middle. As more and more truth comes out about the Church's history--where more and more previously strong members find themselves without a faith tradition almost against their wishes--there are going to be more folks like me. The ones who don't really hate the Mormon church. The ones who are relieved to be free of a lot of the things that we never quite could believe or stomach, but also are sad to lose the unique version of Christianity that the LDS Church allowed them to believe in. Some of us will miss the work on Welfare Square, the church choir, the comfort of the sort of odd midcentury 80's style of ward buildings. When you're in the middle, you sometimes only know how to define yourself not by what you are, but by what you are not. (Feelings perhaps that sound a little like: "I'm not an athetist, I'm not a Mormon, I'm not sure what I am.") Many of us are leaving behind a lifetime of believing to be left with a lot of questions, a lot of murky paths, a lot of family and friends who don't understand who we are--and sometimes we aren't quite to the point where we can explain it perfectly either. As Facebook would say, it's complicated.

I hope there can be a space for the in-betweens. I hope there can be understanding and kindness for those of us that are trying to make it through this process while maintaining the principles of compassion and forgiveness that we may have even learned during our time in Church. If you are like me, an in-between, I hope you'll know it's ok. I've made this place for you especially. We don't have to know all of the answers. I like what social researcher Brene Brown once wrote: "The middle is messy, but it's also where the magic happens." We can get through this process with dignity and truth for ourselves and even for others.

That might just be my first new article of faith.