Leaving the Church Alone

Logging in to the old blog always feels a bit like an exercise in futility. No one comments these days (myself included), so I was curious if anyone had even read my last post or two. So you might imagine my astonishment that A LOT of people had actually read my last post. What post was that, you ask? It was titled, "Midlife Crisis in a Craft Store." I was sort of floored. And confused. And then, I laughed. Maybe my title drew people in, like a reality tv episode-- like real life click bait. Would I finally reveal my secrets?  Why I moved last year? Why I always cut my hair so short? Why I think taquitos are overrated? Why I insist on not talking about anything personal anymore?

Is that why people clicked over? Maybe something else strange had happened. One of those anomalies, where my blog came up on a search engine for people who googled "why am I having a midlife crisis in the craft store." I don't think that's likely--but hey, I guess I can't 1000% rule it out.

My honest impression? I think people want to know why I left the Mormon Church. I have never discussed it with my previous ecclesiastical leaders. I was the Second Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency when I asked to be released and then promptly went inactive. I was probed and questioned by friends at the time, and I spoke very superficially about some of the things that bothered me at that time, but I did not give them anywhere near the truth. I wasn't ready to do so, and honestly, I was still processing a lot of my feelings and reasons and doubts. I didn't want to to talk to anyone. It was too personal, it was too painful, and it was sort of only my business.

Even now, I would say that only my husband knows all of my reasons. I've told a few more things to my older brother who is also no longer a practicing Mormon. I've talked to my Mom and my other siblings off and on about some issues, but I have also kept from talking to them too in-depth. This is for different reasons than the reasons I didn't talk to people in my former congregation. This was to avoid hurting them and causing any further rifts than already formed just by my leaving.

I've kept a very low profile. I've actually heard some rumors about why I left--a few friends reported what they had heard. (Maybe hoping I might open up more to them as well). I was equal parts amused and sort of exasperated/annoyed by these rumors. Not a single one was correct--and I mean, really,how could they be? The RS President had been a good friend of mine (and still is), and we talked a few times afterwards, but I am fairly certain she thinks it was I was disaffected by the actions of several people. I didn't disagree with her, and certainly that DID happen, but I just let her make her on conclusions and didn't bother to correct her nor give her any other information. I just didn't want anyone to know my story at that point.

I want to tell you the "big secret" at this point of my story here.

I didn't want anyone to know, because I already knew that no matter what I said--how real, how vulnerable, how honest I was--well I already knew how they were going to react.

I knew, perhaps, because I had once done it myself. I certainly had heard the things said about others experiencing this in the past. I knew exactly how I would be branded and relegated into a certain "group." They would dissect my story, distill it down to a category or two, and put me into it. Was I one of those people disaffected because of the Church's LGBTQ policies? Or maybe I was against patriarchy? Was I offended? Was I reading "anti-mormon" literature? Was I lazy? Was I selfish? Did I want to stop paying tithing and just relax on the weekends? Did I not have a testimony of the Book of Mormon? Did I want to start drinking alcohol and coffee? Had I turned from a wheat into a tare? Was I falling away from the Church, and no longer one of the very elect who would stay. So am I fulfilling a prophecy? Am I deluded? Misguided? Being led by the devil? A person to be pitied? To be saved? To be visited once a month by the missionaries? One of the people in the "great and spacious building" who after partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Life, looked away in shame and fell into forbidden paths?

I know every single thought they might consider--including some positive ones and so-called well meaning ones. I know every way they would want to put me into a box so that they could sleep easier at night. Oh Jenn...she's just a feminist liberal who didn't try hard enough. Or, she's just one of these young people who would rather choose an easy lifestyle than follow the Savior and the Prophet. She's taking the easy way out.

That last one is so laughable it's cry-worthy. Sob worthy. Ask me how I know.

But here is the big thing: Why would I give anyone the power to try and pin any of those hateful and hurtful things onto me? What kind of crazy sense does that make? 

If this is a midlife crisis, it sure as hell didn't start and (I'll admit it, this is purely conjecture at this point) but it also isn't likely to conclude in a craft store either. It wasn't funny. It wasn't easy. I should say it ISN'T. Because it doesn't feel like it's over. I don't know if it ever will be. So far, two and a half years in, it doesn't feel like it ever will.

I do think about it less and less. As the time passes, I am able to care less and less. But sometimes something will happen--maybe a friend posts an LDS Living article about secularism and choosing the "easier wrong," and it pierces right back through and I am back into that same head space again. It gets easier to deal with, but unless I cut myself completely off from everyone Mormon person that I know (which I don't want to do obviously), I just don't think it will ever go away. I've accepted that. I'm learning to cope better each time.

And yet people often ask, within the Church, why people leave who the church can't seem leave it alone. I remember wondering the same thing when I was an active member. Why don't they just move on with their lives? Don't they have anything better to do? They're obviously unhappy, mean-spirited people. Well... the truth is, probably some of us are. Just like there are some folks like that still IN the Church that are unhappy and mean-spirited. Every group has all kinds.

I can't speak for anyone else besides myself. I often can't leave the church alone--in my mind anyway-- because it hurt me. And I want to heal. I want to forgive. I want to move on. But if I am not free to talk about it, then I am not really free. So you don't get to have it both ways--you don't get to talk about inactive or exmormons like they are evil or scary, and then expect them not to either clam up on you or get pretty damn mad. So you may either see them fade out from activity, or just not be able to leave the church alone. You can't be angry that the monster fights back when you created it in the first place, can you? And what if it's not really a monster? What if it's just a lot of pain? A lot of hurt? A person that never had the space to speak their truth without fear of isolation, judgement, and hurtful comments. What if? What if we really do leave the church, and we're alone?

It's a real catch-22. And if the Church doesn't find its way to meeting people where they're at, it may be that this problem is only going to grow in exponential ways. Kinda like a stone cut without hands.