The Other Side of the Wilderness

Some days I still feel angry. If I'm really honest, it's actually pretty easy for me to access that part of my feelings towards the church. I can do it at a moment's notice. Some days I feel a lot of sympathy and love. I remember that a church is a group of imperfect people like me who are ostensibly trying to be better. Some days I feel lonely. I miss the community, the constant buzzing of busy-ness. I miss the feeling of knowing my place. Some days I feel just fine. I forget to think about it. I go about my day, I make my children do their homework, I fix dinner. I admire a sunset. I go to bed, and it's all mundane and wonderful. Some days are harder. Some days are easier. Some days the nostalgia you feel for the church is a lot like the way you wish you could experience going to Disneyland again as a child--that sense that magic actually lived someplace and was tangible--and yet when you go back as an adult, it's just not the same. Some days you are so...

This week I have been thinking a lot about something a friend of mine texted me. This friend has been going through her own faith transition out of the LDS faith, and like many people, she is finding it hard to navigate through a few particularly hard experiences and decisions in relation to this journey. She asked me if I would consider taking the time to write what I think about her question. Let me share her exact words, because I think she said it perfectly. "I actually wondered if you would consider writing about or talking me through something I'm having a hard time with. The thing is, I believe the church isn't what it says it is and in many ways I don't want to be a part of it, but I'm having such a hard time letting go of the parts that I do enjoy and also knowing how everyone in the church, including family and friends, will then perceive me after I leave the church. I know it shouldn't matter, but it's so hard for me to have people thin...

The truth of the matter is, I started this blog on a whim. I originally wrote my first post about some of my mixed feelings about church on my personal blog. I then, almost immediately, took it down again. It didn't take me long to realize that posting that sort of commentary on that space probably wasn't a good idea for several reasons. Not only did I not want my still active LDS friends and family to feel the need to comment, I felt like I had put them into an uncomfortable spot. A lot of people that are close to me are also still very sensitive to the fact that I no longer believe and they take anything I write personally. The thing is, although I absolutely believe in the importance of me speaking openly and honestly about my own life, I've never been one of those that wants to hurt others in the process if at all possible. I am convinced that there can be space for their beliefs and mine. Just as I hope they will not post Mormonads on my facebook page, (or over...

Logging in to the old blog always feels a bit like an exercise in futility. No one comments these days ( myself included ), so I was curious if anyone had even read my last post or two. So you might imagine my astonishment that A LOT of people had actually read my last post. What post was that, you ask? It was titled, " Midlife Crisis in a Craft Store ." I was sort of floored. And confused. And then, I laughed. Maybe my title drew people in, like a reality tv episode-- like real life click bait. Would I finally reveal my secrets?  Why I moved last year? Why I always cut my hair so short? Why I think taquitos are overrated? Why I insist on not talking about anything personal anymore? Is that why people clicked over? Maybe something else strange had happened. One of those anomalies, where my blog came up on a search engine for people who googled "why am I having a midlife crisis in the craft store." I don't think that's likely--but hey, I guess I can't...

**A quick note. I wrote this post on my personal blog, but then I recently decided that I might want a space to explore my feelings about being post-mormon in more depth. So I moved my first post about that over here and started a new blog. The only thing is....I referenced this Mid-life crisis post in my Leaving the Church Alone post (because I'm complicated, that's why haha), and thought I would bring this over too. Feel free to enjoy or skip!** Again, I am knee-deep in my writing class. This past week's assignment was to write a personal essay about something we found in our junk drawer. I was decidedly uninspired by this, and that was the awesome thing about it. It forced me to work myself out of a writer's block using some techniques the teacher taught us. I thought I'd share it here, because...well why not. Among all of the cliches that mid-life crises encompass, mine took the form of budget paintbrushes and Liquitex paint bottles. It happened six mon...

"The Promised Land always lies on the other side of the Wilderness." Havelock Ellis